Whiter Shade of Pale

“A white person who takes advantage of a minority. A thief. Often representing "The Man". An oppressor. This does not apply to the average person of caucasian descent”.

-definition of the term “white devil”; Urban Dictionary.


My co-worker/friend Louis and I have recently started co-hosting a show on public access television. It is a live HIV hotline, where people can call in with all their questions about HIV. We have someone screening the calls, but there really is no way to determine what someone is going to say once they get on the air. Case in point, the call that came in during last night’s show. We had been going through our routine of touting our agency, acknowledging current legislation and financial troubles that effect HIV services, and answering caller questions on the air.

Throughout the broadcast, we look at a screen of ourselves. We see exactly what the audience sees. At one point, Louis was responding to a caller’s question, and I was staring at myself. All I could think was that my forehead looked shiny, and that the show was dragging. That all changed when the next call came in.

The man on the other end sounded out his sentiments through the feedback provided by his blaring television in the background. After Louis asked the man to turn it down so that we could hear him, the caller promptly wished Louis a happy Black History Month. He then told him that if he wanted to know the cause of AIDS he need look no further than the white devil sitting next to him. That would be me.

I believe that my face turned white(er), and my ears (horns), turned fire red.

It is not as though I had never heard this before. I had a few nicknames when I worked at the Cook County Jail, not limited to Opie and Snow White. What pissed me off about this scenario was that I felt that I had been ambushed on live television, and from an anonymous source. Now, by agreeing to be on television to discuss this topic, I realize that I am leaving myself wide open. I just didn’t expect to get kicked in the nuts like that, especially since it was only our second show.

I chose to turn the other cheek, partly because of my nature, partly because of my belief system, and partly because of my fear. Race is a very sensitive issue and Racism is nothing but straight up Fear. The idea of actually DISCUSSING Racism, let alone in a reactionary way, let alone on live television, would have surely transcended Fear. Pun intended, we would have all ended up in the stratosphere.

If I were a person of a different temper, say my stepfather or grandfather, it would have been easy for me to have lashed out in a reactionary fashion. By saying that I am a white devil, you are transferring power onto me that I never had to begin with. It is somehow suggesting that I have a say over the misfortunes that you endure on a daily basis. I understand that this comment was not directed at my person, but what I “represent”.

Let me break down for you what I REALLY “represent”: I am a gay white male who has been living with HIV and its side effects for nearly 15 years. I have spent my adult life becoming an educated, spiritual person. I have been through 4 treatment regimens and have nearly died more than once. I work for an HIV service organization and I want to pass on what I know to YOU so that you can protect yourself. I make little money and struggle daily in a hurting economy, but I love what I do and that in itself has to be payment enough. You don’t deserve this break down of what I represent, but here it is, because I won’t wear your hate. The devil is really just a matter of perspective you see, so keep your shade out of my periphery.

I cannot atone for the sins of those who preceded me. I cannot qualify the actions of those in my race that continue to choose the path of hate. What I can do, what I choose to do, is to stop the ignorance. All the hateful derogatory things I heard about ANY minority as a child, do not make it into my vocabulary. They do not make it into my relationships. They do not infiltrate my spirit. They are not reflected in my work. I choose to stop them. I will not run that course. We all have the power to stop this sad and so-tired prejudice, ignorance and intolerance. We are all created equal. We each have free will. What a blessing; what a curse.