The Judas Syndrome
Posted by billyminsh, May 9 2009, 09:38 PM
“Are you positive this is a friend?…The captain grimaced those are cliffs of rock ahead...if I'm not mistaken.”
-Tori Amos, “Jamaica Inn”.
Everyone gossips. We all do it. I am probably one of the worst offenders I know. Gay men especially, love to talk shit. About what someone’s wearing, how drunk so and so was at a bar the night before, how bitchy so and so is being because of how fat they’re getting and so on. It never ends and it never will and I know that because I help perpetuate it. As most of our parents told us, it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. So I ask, at what point does idle gossip become plain cruelty?
One of the most gay-positive things I ever heard from my family came from my stepmom. She said that it seemed to her that gay men were naturally more intelligent than straight men. She worked at the phone company for years and apparently had always been able to have intelligent discussions with her gay constituents. Her comment shocked me. This woman has not always been my biggest advocate, so it was a surprise to hear this come from her. I began to think about this observation, and it seemed reasonable enough. Of course we all know some dizzy queens who could put that theory to rest by uttering a single syllable. That’s not the point. The point is, there I go again.
As a community, we all want things. Some of us want the right to marry. I would venture to say that all of us want to be treated equally, that most of us in the field of HIV would like to see a universal healthcare system. We have these ideals in common. Yet so often, gay men especially, behave like vicious teenage girls one on one. We can mock someone’s voice, what they’re wearing and joyously slice the Achilles heel of one of our own all before lunch. Why do we do that? Are we so “intelligent” that we have to be the one with the last laugh? And if so, who has that last laugh? The reality is that it’s nothing more than a vicious circle that is often quite unfunny.
We say we want equality, but we refuse to accept each other as equal on an individual level. How do we believe that we will ever gain mass acceptance when we can’t even lift each other up? How can our community possibly mobilize effectively while we are all preoccupied with which shoes so and so’s wearing, or speculating if someone we all know showed up to an event totally cracked out? What purpose does that serve?
“You have to promise you won’t say anything to ANYONE. Seriously.”
If you have even bothered to utter that sentence, you may as well barricade yourself in your house for the next couple of days. Chances are, everyone you know or don’t know will hear all the dirty details you have divulged, sometimes before you’ve even finished your thought. I recognize that gossip is a human thing, not just a gay thing. Gay men just happen to be extra good at it and extra merciless. Why? Is it from adolescence where some gay men were outcasts or molested or disowned from their friends, families and church? Is it because we all wanted to be Broadway stars and we aren’t? Is it our co-dependency, our chemical dependency, our family circumstances, our abusive partners? Is it desperate insecurity, low self-esteem, lack of faith or poor body image? We all have gone through one or more of the aforementioned. Since so many of us share that common (back)ground, you'd think we'd be more compassionate, more empathetic. We don't seem to be. If anything it appears we've become more calloused, telling people to get over it and that we've all got problems.
The hardest part in all of this is the lack of trust. Some things really are meant to be for one person only. It is painful to want to have that one confidante, someone who WON’T say anything to anyone. It can be devastating to discover that you really can't count on the ones you thought you could. To realize that you are no more sacred to them than the person they bitched about ten minutes ago. The feeling of a true bond, an actual connection in a disconnected society, is so rare. Then, it dawns on you that you have been spilling your soul to an avatar.
It is easy for me to sit behind a computer and say these things, and know that I won’t have the balls to translate all these pretty words and ideas into action. I will want to be in on the joke at the expense of someone else’s feelings. I may even start that joke. So, when I feel lonely or isolated and I don’t know who to trust...well I really have no one to blame but myself, do I?
Comments
#1
EarthMother, May 11 2009, 09:18 PM
Enid, May 12 2009, 12:12 AM
But somewhere down the line came an individual (not you, Billy-Billy!) who went from friendship and Enid jokes to cruel barbs, and always in front of other people. It got to the point where I had to be ready with a vicious remark of my own, but that only stopped him for about six months!
I came to believe that this person was raised with cruelty, which is why he exhibits it, and that he hates himself, which is why he lashes out at others. I’m no psychologist or therapist, but I believe you have to hate yourself to mistreat others. I also get the sense that when people like him point the finger at others, they think no one will see what’s wrong with them. This is not a new thought, but it certainly fits those rare moments in my life when I have been a target.
As a community, this too makes sense. Hatred becomes self-hatred, and then turns outward. “They hate us, so why don’t we hate them first?” The fact that the hate is on each other also makes sense, because you’re together in the gay community, so you’re easy targets for one another.
But it’s true that it’s all in fun until it goes too far. Everyone knows the limits. It’s called “hitting below the belt.”
There is a book, Billy, that discusses this topic. When TPAN held its Man Alive conference in 2007, the author was there conducting a workshop called something like “Saying Good-bye to the Bitchy Queen,” discussing the idea that this style of interaction can seriously hurt the gay community. I met Dave Nimmons, and he is a sweet, wonderful man. His book is called The Soul Beneath the Skin: The Unseen Hearts and Habits of Gay Men. According to one book review I found on-line, “While ‘the bitchy queen and her cousin once removed, cynicism’ are endemic to some realms of gay culture, Nimmons is careful to place these effects in a context of socially generated self-hating.”
The lack of trust is a separate issue. That’s an inability to pick a friend. I will give you the advice I gave a friend (also a gay male) who didn’t know how to make real friends (except for me!). When he found himself in a serious situation, he was astounded by the insensitive remarks made by one of his so-called friends.
I told him to think of his sister, who sincerely and deeply loves him. If people say things to you that you cannot imagine coming out of the mouth of someone who loves you, that person is not your friend. How would someone who loves you treat you?
By the way, hanging out and laughing with someone or going places together does not make for friendship. That’s just hanging out.
As for community mobilization, that fight will continue because not everyone is busy being destructive.
You say you may have no one to blame but yourself, but that’s not true. You didn’t create this world. You’re just trying to live in it.
In the meantime, go ahead and talk about my hair. I love it.
As for that cruel co-worker, ironically, he made me come up with a witty but vicious barb of my own. Every time he lashes out at someone over something petty, I say, “He’s a waste of a good IQ.”
