Spam: No Nutritional Value

Until recent years, my of knowledge of Spam was as a mystery meat, preferably fried and placed on a soft potato bun with horseradish sauce (try it – it’s deeelicious!), but as the one who now checks 4 different e-mailboxes at TPAN, it has taken on a whole new meaning for me.

If the inscrutable Russian, Asian and German messages aren’t included, I am left daily with over 100 ads for giant blueberry bushes, car insurance, debt rescue, Nigerian royalty who will bequeath millions to me upon receipt of my $10,000, and, my personal favorite, Viagra and penile enlargement ads. How could there really be enough men who are insecure about their penises or can’t achieve an erection to justify thousands of people going into the business of pushing these pills/devices via the internet? And, seriously people, what kind of pathetic degenerate would actually think, “Yeah! That’s a good idea!” when he reads, “Make your Man Meat into a piston to pump her raw!” in a subject line? Who responds to these things? Who actually sends MONEY in hope of such an outcome?

I suppose desperate times call for desperate measures and in today’s world where tens of thousands of people will walk around in surgical masks to protect themselves from the flu while they refuse to use condoms to prevent the spread of HIV; where American car companies seem incapable of saving themselves by the simple act of abandoning the manufacture of gas-guzzlers and starting to make “smart cars” like they do in India and Europe; where genocide is still a way of death in too many underdeveloped countries; where that original Spam might actually keep starving people alive for a few more days until food with some nutritional value shows up – in this world, have no fear! The needs of a civilization can be met by eating giant blueberries while studying John Comuta’s get-rich-quick scheme and then finding a Russian e-mail-order bride (or groom) who you can pump raw with your gigantic, concrete-hard man meat. Uh-huh…