American Circumstance

“You paint a lovely picture but reality intrudes, with a message for you…”

-Aimee Mann, “Real Bad News”.

I like to escape. I like to live in my bubble of work and friends and social networking and, sometimes bars, (as much as I try to stay on the wagon). This year, I even got swept up in the “magic” of the holidays and actually enjoyed them for a change. I bought into the Christmas specials, the Peace on Earth, even the consumerism. Holiday lights and sounds blurred together in my head, causing a dizzy, giddy sensation that all was well. Life was good. Peace could be realized. It was like a sensory narcotic surrounding me with this temporary rush of hope. I should have known that this sensation would end. I would eventually crash.

Looking over what I have written in the past year, I see that most of my work also has a quality of, not necessarily escapism, but idealism. Sometimes, I must admit, I can crawl a little too far up my own ass. I seem to believe that I can extract wisdom, as far as I understand it, from a difficult situation or circumstance. I must admit that right now I wonder where the sense to that is. In a world where everyone has a blog and we all have a voice but no attention span, it would be so much easier, so much more profitable, to be sensational and aggressive. I could be bitchy and scathing. I could rip people’s heads off or defame their character, exposing their weakness with relentless venom in a merciless tirade. I could do that.

I am part of a species that is loaded with contradictions. Of course, people are capable of great violence and intolerance. We can be vicious and unapologetic. We can lash out at anyone who stands in our way, who disagrees with what we believe or don’t believe. At the other end of the spectrum, we are capable of loving. We can listen. We can voice that violence will not be tolerated. We can elect a Black President who campaigned on the platform of Hope. We can do all these things.

Yet, it seems that if someone wants to make peace, or be helpful, or show compassion, they are physically, spiritually and mentally berated. It is not as though I didn’t think that last year would bleed into this one. It just seems that this jump start into a new decade has been especially violent. How could a so-called “Christian” blame Haiti’s devastation on their “deal with the devil?” How could a concerned citizen, although I have not heard all sides of this story, become the “fucking faggot” being beaten on our city’s public transit? Although I don’t want to get married, I still couldn’t if I tried. We continue to drag out Afghanistan and Iraq in a still-suffering economy.

What is it? What are we doing wrong? Is it just the cliché of life is not fair? Have we become, as Fundamentalists would suggest, a “Godless” society? Are we, as others would suggest, destined to fall like Rome? I can’t believe that. I choose not to believe that.

The trick for me is finding a way to integrate that light and dark, to invite them both in and negotiate with them. An oblivious, rose colored vision doesn’t work any more than a fatalistic view of life. I am a contradiction for a reason. I must learn to integrate this so called good and bad, acknowledging both of them. I am a product of the all or nothing, with us or against us, good and evil American mentality that doesn’t work. I can say that hate crimes, idiotic televangelists and all their violence are not welcome here, in any capacity. I can stand up to this hatred. I can say all of this in my little bubble, piecing the right words together that may sound so pretty, so perfect. Will I use these carefully chosen sentences as a clarion call?

I believe that Violence erupts from desperation and circumstance. Who am I to say “All we need is Love” when I don’t know any other road than my own? I can’t say that and I am NOT saying that. I will walk my own road as peacefully as I can this year. I will hope that the Universe takes notice, smiles a bit, and chooses to reflect that peace in this American circumstance.